My Truth: I Desired To Die

Everyone has a truth. Their own truth. A truth they cannot run from. A truth they can’t deny. A truth which is true down to it’s very core. This is my truth.

I am Adwitiya. No more than a lad of 19 with aspirations swirling in my head of infamy and peace. I am no more than that. None above it. The one other thing that I am is emotional. Other than that I am none.

I should be sleeping as I am writing this. I have a job to do. A girl to tend to and care for. A passion to peruse and dreams to dream of and complete. I have deadlines set up by me to finish. I have targets set up by me to reach. Achievements to achieve. But here I am expressing my truth.

Listen carefully.

When I was in school, I was a lad who had none of the things I mentioned above. Other than emotion. No dreams and no aspiration. All my life was stuck in a loop which was looped with short term targets and none of the long term achievements aimed at. I was alone. I felt alone and sick and stranded. I felt as if I was lost in this labyrinth of suffering and would never make it out alive.

Today. As of right now.
 02:15 hrs
A Monday.
I read a story.

A creepypasta. We all know what a creepypasta is. For those who don’t, let me enlighten you with a dark part of the internet. Ever felt a deep urge to be scared? If you have and you are frequent with Google, you would have come across stories which are meant to scare you. Down to the core. I am a creator of such content but what I read today and as of now, has sent me to an ache which I forgot of and was cured of.

The name of the creepypasta is “Suicide Culture” and it has not scared me but sent me to an ache. A Spasmodic ache. It tells a story of a guy who is sad and meets a girl online. This girl tells him about this forum. And finally this forum posts encouragement to suicide. The lad refreshes the page and finds the girl, whom he has ever seen only once before in a photograph, dead.

My truth is not beautiful. My truth is ugly. My truth is dirty. My truth is a coal which will always remain dark. The core will always be dark, despite the fact that the outer shell is burning bright for the world to awe at.

When I was in school, I was fed up with everything around. I was into self harm and I was one of those who considered suicide once. Without being considerate about someone who cares. I am telling you my truth because it is important for you to know what the absolute truth is all about. I wanted to die and my lifestyle was one which would have killed me as of now. I didn’t sleep for more than 3 hours and slept alternative days. I would have dropped dead till now.

My truth is ugly not because of my situations but because of the mentality I held. My truth is ugly not because I was alone but because I thought so. My truth is ugly at the core because my story was not begun in sadness, but it was me who shrouded it in sadness. My truth is ugly at the core not because I was depressed but because of the reason I was depressed in the first place.

Like the lad in the story, I too met a girl on the internet. I too fell in love and opened my heart out to her. She knows me down to the core and I am not afraid to admit it that I met her on the internet. She too has her truth but I am none to express her truth as I am none to express your truth. She fell in love with me too and her truth too was dark at the core.

We fixed each other together. We became the other’s medicine. Even though I know that she is still a thousand miles away, we are inseparable. We are together and we are happy. We find the joy we always needed. We find the relations in each other we always needed in real life. I needed a friend, a lover, a teacher, a guide, a student, a secret to keep, an admirer, a strict enforcer, a delicate crush. And she provided that to me. She became a parent, a sibling, a spouse to me. And I became everything she needed. When she needs me as a friend, I am with her as a friend. When she needs me like a secret to keep, I become her secret that she can keep. When needs a place secure, she comes to me and despite the fact that we have a thousand miles between us, I embrace her and she is relieved that nothing can go wrong as long as she is in this embrace.

My truth was ugly. But now it is a pretty tale. My truth is now a fairy tale with a true Angel in it. O yes. The Angel Al stories were hers. All meant to be for her. To please her and to ease her in her times of sorrow. To make her smile when she shed her tears. And it is not so because I love her. O no no.

It is because she loves me.

Listen to me one and all. This is my Truth. My absolute and complete truth. And the truth is that a lad, sick and tired of himself. A lad who wanted to quit his world and escape the labyrinth of suffering for once and for all. A lad who was afraid to look in the mirror. That lad is here today in front of you accepting himself, embracing himself. That lad is expressing his truth not because he is in love. But because he is loved.

That story arose an ache  within me not because she died. It’s because she was blind. Like I was. Like my Angel was. Like probably you are. She killed herself and so did the lad because they didn’t see how they can immortify themselves. They killed themselves and they lost themselves a tale. They lost themselves themselves. They lost a chance to be They!

Look at me. Look within my eyes which are truly filled with ache right now. Not for me. Not for the two most unfortunate characters ever written of. But for probably you. Don’t touch that knife again. Don’t look at the box of pills again. Don’t bite yourself again. Don’t pull your hair. Never touch that lighter again to burn yourself. Never ever try to hit yourself again. Never again intend to hurt yourself.

Not because I am saying so. Not at all.

Think once about your Angel. Like I have my Angel, you have your Angel. Somewhere. Out there. Reaching out for you. Searching you to save you and save herself in the process. You have an Angel out there looking up to you. Live your life for that little Angel who’s life depends on you. Who not only you love, but loves you too.

Search for your Angel. Your Angel can be a dog, a pen and paper, a cup of tea, a smile in the broad walk. It might be a book you read. Just search for that one thing that loves you back. Your beautiful parents. A sibling. A pet. A hobby. Because you are selfish. You will never stop for the one you love but you will always stop for the one who loves you.

Your Angel is out there. Maybe like my Angel he or she sits a thousand miles apart from you. Maybe she or he is searching for you. Just stay long enough for your Angel to find you.

I always had the desire to learn Latin. I never found a tutor but what I found were quotes in Latin with their English translations. A quote which I never forgot and will never forget goes as follows:
Roughly translated it means, save me and I will save you.

This was my undeniable and absolute complete truth. Send me your truth down in the comments or to my mail. I will post your truth to inspire other to stop from bleeding and reach out for the Angel they need. The Angel we all need.

Remember, if you kill yourself, your Angel too will die a death in utter isolation and heart wreck. If not for the one you love, stop for the one who somewhere out there is waiting for you to stop them from doing so.

Don’t ever hurt yourself again.

 For me?


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